Floggin the Dolphin

Took a trip to Singapore a few weeks ago to renew my visa. This is something I have to do every 30 days or face getting booted out of the country. So Nat and I decided to make a weekend out of it. Singapore is a beautiful, modern, clean city; free of the oppressive smog and exhaust that holds the cities of Thailand in a chokehold. On Sunday we took the subway down to the beach where we enjoyed a leisurely walk along the coast. Despite the lack of sand we were excited to be walking along the southern most tip of the Asian continent. Then suddenly, from behind us we heard…“Psssst!”
Like what people do in order to surreptitiously get someone else’s attention, but never actually in real life, only in the movies. So it was kinda weird, especially after we turned around to find a pink dolphin, just a few feet off shore, staring up at us with eyes like black olives. So I’m looking at this dolphin saying to myself – W.T.F? This thing is pink! Then it opened up it’s snout, flaunting rows of tinny sharp teeth and said,
“Can a porpoise get some SPF up in this bitch?!” Needless to say Natalie and I were shocked. Neither of us had seen a wild dolphin before let alone a sunburned dolphin that talked. “What?” I said, even though I had heard quite clear what the dolphin had said the first time.
“Sunscreen,” he said. “I need some sunscreen like no one’s flippin’ business. No pun intended. Seriously, look at me! I’m PINK!” Natalie and I looked at each other, then back at the talking dolphin.
“Oh my god! She squealed, “You’re talking. You’re a talking dolphin! Did you escape form like a…Sea Circus or something?”
“No.” replied the dolphin. “But I figured that if I relied on high pitched squeaks and whistles to get your attention, by the time I got you to figure out what I wanted I’d be a swimming lump of skin cancer with a dorsal fin.”
“This is unreal!” I said. “So can like, all dolphins talk, but they just chose not to? Cause I knew it! I knew that dolphins would prove to be the possessors of powers way beyond scientific explanation!”
“Yeah, so about that sunscreen…” he said flatly.
“Oh, right. Sorry.” We said, and Natalie pulled a bottle of sunscreen SPF 30 from her beach bag.
“Don’t you got anything stronger?” He asked.
“Actually, past 30 SPF there is little difference. In fact between 15 and 45 SPF there is only a five percent difference in sun protection, SPF is merely an indication as to how often you should reapply. Something quite misleading in the packaging of most sunscreens.” I told him.
“Whatever you say Coppertone queer.” He said. “Give me a good slatherin’ with that stuff then.”
I was kinda put off by his comment, but I decided it wasn’t worth getting into a fight over, or withhold the thing he so desperately needed. But let it be known, had he not already been punished enough by the South Asian sun, I would have flogged that bastard good and hard.
So, as you can see in the picture, Natalie and I lubed him down good, doing our part to protect the natural environment. Though I’m not sure how “natural” a talking sunburned dolphin is.
Natalie and I finished coating the sea mammal in a layer of “Hoss Sauce SPF 30” after which he wriggled his stout body backward into deeper water. Natalie and I were like, “Bye dolphin, take care of your self!” And he was like,
“Word.” And with that, he was gone. Asia…I tell ya…

PS. To all you Poseidon wanna-be’s who are looking to fly Air Asia any time soon. They strictly enforces a law banning Tridents on board any of their international bound aircraft. This is true. So think first before bringing it with you.